Imaginal Desensitization Reclusive Compulsive Behavior Cycle

The following requires an introduction to have full impact. It is emotionally intense and should not be treated lightly. These are the thoughts of a mentally ill patient and have been shared under his consent in the hopes that they might help someone who deals with the same issues.

It's a long work week. I'm around people all day every day for five days out of seven. I'm skittish and avoidant as much as I can be to escape the pressure of social situations. I listen to drama, insults, stupidity, outright lies, overly emotional fits, disgusting ideas, interruptions, hypocrisy, and manipulation. I deal with idiots, people pleasers, loud and obnoxious assholes, pessimists, overt optimists, people that claim to be "realists," attention seekers, pedants, extroverts, and  suck-ups. I feel like I care for everyone, especially the crying, unsure, uncertain, unwilling, unmotivated, under-appreciated, mistreated, misinformed, misunderstood, mistaken, willfully ignorant, whiny, chastised, down-trodden, and generally poor tempered people in addition to people that I just plain think are worse off than I am. I am being openly mocked, cruelly criticized, shown up, publically humbled, insulted, made fun of, outcast, ignored, shut-out, abandoned, shut down, overdrawn, disrupted, deliberately angered, silenced, glared at, disrespected, ridiculed, and not even given common courtesy. I plan, prepare, and attend gatherings, social events, get-togethers, parties, meetings, groups, and hangouts where I force myself to entertain, interact, help, and participate genuinely and positively with people I don't even know. I am waking up tired, willing myself through it, drinking too many energy drinks, and forcing myself to get through this day by day, meal by meal, hour by excruciating hour. I get compliments I don't feel I deserve, appreciation that isn't genuine, awards for something I couldn't have controlled, and congratulations for doing what I felt forced to do. I don't express these feelings and emotions because I don't think it's worth the ten to fifteen minutes of what will probably be unhelpful, untactful, inappropriate dialogue only to be reprimanded, told that everyone has to deal with it and to suck it up, possibly be punished, and then ultimately ignored. I'm afraid of being judged, ridiculed, shamed, or making a fool of myself again. My depression is setting in and the thought crosses my mind that none of this matters anyway because all of these people, all of my friends and family, everybody who is living and anybody who will ever live will inevitably, unavoidably and unequivocally die anyway.

As I reflect on these events, I make three healthy choices to (1) take a fresh air break, (2) visit with friends, and (3) mentally list my reasons to live. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) being outside, getting sunlight, taking a break from the situation, (B) socializing with positive people who help, love, and support me, reinforcing my friends' relationships, (C) affirming life, encouraging myself, calming myself, and distracting myself with a variety of positive ways I can interact with everything.

I feel crowded out and alone at the same time. I dread the judgement, shame, ridicule, belittling, and humiliation I'll likely face if I talk to people. I feel annoyed. angry. frustrated, anxious, panicked, frantic, bewildered, confused, abandoned, embarrassed, ahedonic, apathetic, shameful, guilty, afraid, disgusted, depressed, miserable, withdrawn, fatigued, drained, pressured, obligated, responsible, overdrawn, over-stimulated, overburdened, and overwhelmed over and over and over again in waves during and after the times when I feel I have to force myself to be around people. I feel fake, hypocritical, sarcastic, doubtful, empty, and just plain wrong when I force a smile, an enthusiastic greeting, an amiable conversation with appropriate gestures and sounds, and especially when I use all of the ambiguously vague sounds, gestures, words, phrases, and even a little truth when people finish communicating and expect a reply because I forced myself to pretend to listen. I feel horrible; I feel dread. I feel antsy, annoyed, panicked, impatient, and nervous when any communication lasts longer than I feel it should and especially during "small talk." I feel relieved, peaceful, refreshed, quieted, unburdened, calmed, drowsy, tired, exhausted, pleasant, content, reassured, safe, protected, guarded, secure, and happy when I'm finally alone.

As I reflect on these feelings, I make three healthy choices to (1) do breathing exercises, (2) mentally list my adaptive coping responses, and (3) play small-group hand-eye coordination games like hackeysack or ping-pong. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) calming myself, distracting myself, (B) giving myself a variety of optional positive actions, reinforcing those actions through repetition, (C) exercising, being social, being active, and enjoying the game.

The friends I had as a child would start drama a lot. I was often a scapegoat; I didn't want to wrestle, fight, or beat people up because I thought it was wrong and that I might seriously hurt someone. When they would start doing that stuff I'd just get up and leave. I didn't want to deal with it and I got angry when it was directed at me. I had been taught to just walk away when I got angry or when someone was doing something I felt was wrong. I walked away from my friends. I walked away from school bullies. I walked away from some of the church-goers. I avoided them all because I didn't want bad influences in my life. I would analyze people quietly, from a distance, before I interacted and talked with them, if I did at all. I did that to my family. I avoided mom when she was in a bad mood, dad when he was busy, my sister's if they were angry or sad, my brother when he was being obnoxious, and my grandpa when he was ranting. I wanted to avoid them so much that one day I just moved to the attic. My mom didn't know where I slept for 3 days, and after they knew, no one in my family could even get up there the way I could.

As I reflect on this fantasy, I make three healthy choices to (1) establish and reinforce proper boundaries, (2) mentally list my affirmations, and (3) ground myself. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) creating proper limits to fit my needs and wants with people that are close to me, renewing those limits when appropriate, (B) distracting myself, affirming myself, calming down, reinforcing my actions through repetition, (C) being fully present in the here and now, experiencing my environment, and distracting myself from negative thought patterns.

I got purposefully sick so bad that I was taken out of public school to be homeschooled. When this happened I could stay away from practically everybody. Months would go by when I would just get my assignments done, show my mom that I'd finished, and then go up to the attic with my laptop, water, and food. People could still come around, but I could avoid them if I wanted to. Mom started making me go to group functions and I would find a corner where the fewest people could bother me and stay there, quiet and patient, for the entire duration of the group. I would only come out if they were doing something that interested me more than whatever book I'd brought, do the activity while interacting with as few people as possible, and then I'd go back to my corner. I did this until it was time to leave.

As I reflect on this fantasy, I make three healthy choices to (1) bear hug my inner child and tell him I love him, (2) write something for somebody, and (3) visit local, natural, and beautiful scenery. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) positively managing my dissociation, taking care of my inner child, affirming myself, (B) writing something positive, meaningful and uplifting, redirecting my focus away from myself, giving to somebody else and hopefully improving their moment, (C) putting physical distance between me and my problems, experiencing nature, calming myself, and enjoying what life has to offer.

I dreaded awkward silences and conversation. I dreaded judgement and immoral behaviour. I dreaded making new friends and losing the few friends I had. I dreaded having to impress or entertain people and their compliments. I was sad because I felt that I wasn't enough and infuriated because I shouldn't have had to be. Everyone seemed like they judged me to be unworthy even as they had flaws of their own, so I only did things I was interested in and quit caring if other people knew, cared, or even existed. When I did have to interact with someone I was polite because that seemed to make the conversations go faster. I treated everyone like they were the computer in my room: carefully, efficiently, and quickly. They were tools to get information or entertainment and if they malfunctioned or acted up, I shut down to them, waited for them to cool off, and tried again. They were easier to think of as machines or as children because I could safely ignore their fits or mistakes and try to impart better skills or processes when they would respond again. I always needed a safe alone space to go to when this happened. I needed a place to hide, somewhere of my own, and I thought I needed it all the time. It was a place I could feel protected and isolated from the insults, yelling, arguments, and demands of other people. It was a place I could think for myself, in relative peace and quiet, and not have to worry about or acknowledge anyone else.

As I reflect on this fantasy, I make three healthy choices to (1) listen to awesome music, (2) play board games with friends, and (3) think and talk in funny accents. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) inspiring myself, motivating and energizing myself, grounding myself, (B) socializing with people who lift my spirits, having fun, (C) amusing myself, and actively thinking differently in ways that would make negative thoughts seem ridiculous.

I know what I'll do. I'll find a safe, quiet spot, somewhere the least amount of people will suspect I would be, somewhere they wouldn't normally expect I could be, somewhere that nobody usually even thinks about. I'll find several of these and secretly, methodically, discretely, and slowly move into them. I'll hide them as best I can, supply them as much and as well as I can, use each one as scarcely as I can, and never record their locations. I'll make a sleeping space, an entertainment area, and somewhere I can safely keep food and drink.

As I reflect on this plan, I make three healthy choices to (1) count my environment, (2) go out and meet new people, and (3) practice photography. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) distracting myself by focusing my attention away from my compulsive behaviors, grounding myself in the here and now, (B) socializing, getting out of my comfort zone by being healthily vulnerable, experiencing new ideas, things and ways of life, (C) making art, finding the beauty or profoundness in things, making memories, and helping others feel good about themselves.

It will be a place where I can at least hear the outside world if not observe it. I'll need to know when it's safe to come out so I can get supplies with as little interaction as possible. I will experience something or anything negative in my dealings with the outside world and I will hide. I will wait in a safe place until I feel safe to come out.

As I reflect on this plan, I make three healthy choices to (1) draw in a public place (2) taking breaks every now and again to self-massage, and (3) come up with more creative jokes. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) expressing myself artistically, being around people and in my own world at the same time, (B) calming down, relieving stress, (C) amusing myself and hopefully amusing others, and enjoying being amused.

I will calm my anger at the world; I will soothe my fears about the world, yet I will then wonder why I bother to go out at all. I will enjoy solitude, privacy, safety, and peace... until the loneliness sets in. I will ignore the loneliness, rationalize it, and argue against it to the point where it transgresses into depression. I will debate with myself about the merits of being alone. I will examine to the point of overanalyzing every bad behavior others have done or could do. I will ruminate on the mistakes I've made, the problems I've caused, and the pain I've inflicted. I will then isolate from others not for my safety, but for theirs, because I don't want to hassle, burden, disrupt, impose upon, or worst of all, depress them. I will engage in suicidality.

As I reflect on this plan, I make three healthy choices to (1) write a positive, persuasive speech on one of my many reasons to live, (2) tell myself to postpone the thought until later that day, write down a quick little summary of what the thought was, and problem solve my way through it when I'm happy and safe, which is usually right after my last meal before sleep, for fifteen minutes ONLY, after which I will save whatever thoughts I didn't cover for tomorrow's postponement time, and (3) make a gift for someone. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) going through my reasons to live in order to pick one for the speech, writing something positive, calming myself down, cheering myself up, giving myself more ammo against my compulsive behaviors by  planning to read those speeches outloud to myself proactively before I feel depressed, (B) relaxing more by not worrying as much during the day, being organized, rationally viewing my thoughts at an appropriate time, relieving myself of the burden of rumination, (C) hopefully cheering someone else up in addition to myself, distracting myself from my own thoughts to consider other people, and building something with my own hands.

I avoid everyone I can feasibly avoid interacting with for as long as I can feasibly avoid them every time I have the opportunity to do so.

As I reflect on this action, I make three healthy choices to (1) go to my safe scene, (2) talk with my support system including, friends, family, co-workers, professional help, and emergency care, and (3) listen to my Reclusive Behaviour Cycle Imaginal Desensitization. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) healthily managing my dissociation, calming myself down, (B) socializing, getting help from people that DO CARE about me, (C) practicing the psychological skills I've been taught to reinforce useful, positive behavior, focusing and grounding myself on a sound, and getting reminded of safe adaptive coping responses that I might have forgotten about. (Like photography, which, really, I need to get out and do more of.)

I'm doing it. I am using my psychological skills to control my reclusiveness. I can safely and happily be alone to get to know myself; I can safely and happily be around others to get to know them. I appreciate the opportunity to be friendly for the connectedness it helps me feel. I have the compassion to see relationships as togetherness. I'm glad to be able to be a part of community again. I realize that thoughts will still come through. I know that people won't be perfect. I feel like I'll definitely have to use these skills again, and again, and again, but that's ok because I know that this has worked before. Other people have helped before. I have had some of the best times of my life with other people beside me. I can continue to live even better times with friends, family, and people who can be friends or family because time makes the best of friends and friends make the best of times. Happiness, (sorry, Mark Twain,) is having a large, loving family and a few magnificent friends living all over the place, and near you, ... and with you.

"I think that's the closest you'll come to heaven on earth: the sudden
impossible
realization that someone you love, who loves you, is letting you in to love them." - Stephen Brasel

Imaginal Desensitization Suicidality Compulsive Behavior Cycle.

The following requires an introduction in order to have full impact. It is emotionally intense and should not be treated lightly. These are the thoughts of a mentally ill patient and have been shared with his consent in the hopes that they might help someone who deals with the same issues. 

I am struggling to keep up at work, at academics, at physical training, or at being social and sacrificing healthy habits to do so. It's been another horrible day in a string of horrible days. I perceive the pain or loss of another person and feel empathetic and sad for the wasted potential. I finally figure out a problem I've been trying to solve and attempt to find the meaning to life while I have the intellectual momentum. I am fatigued and physically or emotionally spent and then force myself to keep going. I am planning for the future and think that I have too much to do. I perceive something that reminds me of nihilism or existential dread.

As I reflect on these events, I make three healthy choices to (1) bear hug my inner child and tell him I love him, (2) go for a walk, and (3) visit my friends. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) using positive self-talk, utilizing safe-scene imagery, healthily managing my dissociation, (B) being active, getting physical space between me and isolating behaviors, being distracted by outside occurrences, getting fresh air, feeling warm sunshine, (C) eliminating other compulsive behaviors, playing games with friends, laughing, socializing, and developing relationships.

I feel like an all-encompassing black fog of darkness and shadow has descended and is smothering, muffling, and subduing everyone and everything. I feel pessimistic, negative, depressed, exhausted, fatigued, overwhelmed, anhedonic, apathetic, drained, withdrawn, miserable, hopeless, numb, and tired. I feel shame and anger at myself. I feel gone, adrift in my own black oblivion with no way back to happiness and no communication with anything except my own dark thoughts.

As I reflect on these feelings, I make three healthy choices to (1) Stop, Slow Down, Think, Act, (2) smile, laugh, and (3) listen to a life-motivating playlist of songs. As I make these decisions, I benefit by (A) diverting ruminating thoughts, following a familiar routine, incorporating my rational mind and my emotional mind to make wise-mind decisions, utilizing problem-solving skills, (B) using a physical body position and movement to elicit an emotional reaction deliberately, move my body and mind I a positive direction, (C) distracting myself from myself, making positive experiences to reinforce good behaviors and listening to good music.

I thought that the reasons people choose to exist were illogical and wanted to find and be able to explain a reason or multiple reasons to exist in any situation. I disagreed with philosophy teachings up to the date when I wrote this. I thought that there was no objective meaning to be found in continuing to live in this universe. I thought that using a subjective meaning to live was intellectually dishonest. I thought that there was too much of a chance of stress, pain, suffering, sadness, depression, fatigue, and generally negatively-perceived events to warrant staying alive for death to inevitably hit anyway. I thought that the struggle to live and the maintenance or procedures of thriving were wasted gestures to an infinite void. I thought that staying alive to live until you die was insane. I thought that suicide would be an escape from any chance of pain since you could commit it as painlessly as possible. I thought that suicide was controllable whereas death was an unknown. I thought suicide would be a relief from the perceived responsibilities and stress of continuing existence.

As I reflect on thus suicidality obsession, I make three healthy choices to (1) ground myself using 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 3-3-3, ice, and other mindfulness techniques, (2) take a fresh air break w/ breathing exercises, and (3) sing, whistle, hum, beat, play or perform a life-affirming, life-motivating, life-rejoicing song. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) being physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually present, participating, and partaking in my lovely life, re-establishing a firm grasp on the here-and-now, staying alert to my situation, averting unhealthy dissociation, (B) calming down, escaping any unhealthy situations, (C) affirming life, calming my over-reactive mind and encouraging myself with music.

I began to think about the quickest, least painful way to die. I thought that since pain was a neurological reaction that if I could cease other brain function first, obliterate the pain center first, or completely crush my brain before the pain center reacted that I wouldn't feel pain. I thought about diving headfirst of a building or tall object onto a hard surface like pavement or cement. I thought of running into, then laying down in front of traffic at night in a completely black outfit. I thought of diving headfirst off of a highway bridge in front of an oncoming semi. I thought of crushing my head under a heavy object. I thought of shooting myself in either the temple, upper mouth cavity, or ear, with a large gauge shell or RPG. I thought of blowing my head up. I thought of stabbing or puncturing my brain. I thought of instant incineration or diving headfirst into lava. I thought of ripping out my airbags,  accelerating to high speeds, and then swerving into an oncoming semi or solid barrier. I thought of more common and painful methods of suicide and researched bleeding out, suffocation, legal dosage, electrocution, drowning, hanging, and the height from which a dropped object hits water with the same force as hitting cement. I researched physician-assisted suicide and attempted to convince my psychiatrist at the time that the conditions and criteria used then (risk of procedure, quality of life after procedure, patient comprehension, and patient mental state) could be used to argue for the assisted suicides of every living thing and that I had the capacity to make my end-of-life decision. 

As I reflect on this suicidality obsession, I make three healthy choices to (1) play body-eye coordination games like hackeysack, soccer, ping pong, juggling, etc., (2) play mental games like valley of the green glass doors, black magic, Shatnering. Haiku, riddles, and (3) meditate. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) exercising, focusing on a new task, playing, (B) stimulating my mind in positive ways, redirecting and postponing negative thought patterns until I can address them, (C) calming myself, breathing rhythmically and slowly, and providing myself safe mental imagery or emptying my mind.

I had at least 20 oz of bleach to ingest and thought about emptying a mountain dew bottle, sold where I lived in 20 oz versions, pouring the bleach in to ensure I had enough and then chugging the whole thing at once. I drove to the spot where the bridge was supposed to be. I climbed halfway up the water tower. I was on my way to the cliff when I was spotted by a police officer. I sat on the guardrail of the overpass and looked over the side. I had, at two different times, a loaded pistol and a loaded rifle in my hands. I drove recklessly. I bought a completely black body suit to wear while walking onto the freeway. I've had pens, pencils, utensils, and work tools readied to gouge through my eye into my brain. I wanted to die several times a day. I was tired of suicidal thoughts. I was tired of not committing suicide. I was too tired to get out of bed, to properly hygiene, to eat, to drink, or to care. I was tired of thinking these thoughts and not being able to explain them. I was tired of not feeling understood when I did explain them. I was tired of being hospitalized. I was tired of feeling like I couldn't trust my own brain. I was tired of therapy. I was too tired of being too tired. I was tired of waking up to the realization that I was still alive. I was tired of trying to find a reason to live, and I was tired of feeling like I should.

As I reflect on this suicidality obsession, I make three healthy choices to (1) do something body-positive like showers, baths, spa treatments, or stretching, (2) positive self-touch like self-massage, back scratches, pressure points, or curling up in a warm blanket, and (3) go to my safe scenes. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) reinforcing positive body-image, improving self-worth and self-esteem, relaxing sore muscles, (B) using the PRAISES model (Physical, recreational, intelligence, spirituality, emotional, and sexual) in my relationship to myself, relieving muscle tension, increasing flexibility, (C) using healthy dissociation to relieve myself of a negative situation and exercising control of my mind.

I will be tired of being depressed. I will think back over all of the reasoning that I've done and search for flaws in the logic. I won't find any; I will be too tired to think; I will have a confirmation bias; I will stop trying because I've tried so many times before and ended up disappointed. I will think that it's pointless. I will try to use my coping skills, but I will think that they're just distracting me from the obvious conclusion. 

As I reflect on this suicidality obsession, I make three healthy choices to (1) read my challenges, (2) interact with my support system, and (3) postpone thinking about every worry that enters my head until after dinner when I can take out the list of summaries of those thoughts for fifteen minutes ONLY and problem solve my way through them. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) challenging the negative thought patterns within three seconds to diffuse its' impact on me, (B) getting social support, building relationships, utilizing the PRAISES model, building social skills, seeking professional help, getting crisis intervention, (worst case scenario) and (C) diffusing a negative impact on my life and reducing the amount of time spent on suicidality from hours a day to minutes or seconds. 

I will try to figure out a different meaning to life, racking my brain for anything, but I will be too tired to think of one. I will give up on trying and begin to bargain with myself. I will tell myself to wait. I will tell myself to sleep it off. I will fight off the suicidal ideations all the way until I go to sleep that night. 

As I reflect on this plan, I make three healthy choices to (1) practice good sleep hygiene by following an evening routine, sleeping at approximately the same time each night and waking up at approximately the same time each morning, getting out of bed if at first I can't get to sleep, taking a shower before bed, turning off electronics, reading something relaxing, listening to ambient sounds or relaxing music, (2) tensing and relaxing muscles progressively down my body, and (3) writing or journaling about my day. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) developing and reinforcing good sleep habits, helping myself to not be so tired anymore, performing proper hygiene, relaxing, calming down, (B) relieving muscle tension and fatigue, and (C) recording, explaining and providing an outlet for positive wise-mind (rational and emotional) ideas. 

I will lie awake, thinking over everything again, maybe I will have missed something; maybe I will be able to try something new or incorporate another idea. I will think until I get tired of thinking. I will think until I get tired of trying and then get angry at myself for avoiding what seems like the unavoidable answer. 

As I reflect on this plan, I make 3 healthy choices to (1) do yoga, especially sun and moon salutations, (2) experience nature in awe, wonder, and a sense of adventure, revelling in the beauty of stars, clouds, rivers, mountains, cliffs, herds, hills, flowers, beaches, lakes, canyons, and natural rock formations, while (3) I gather data by counting, drawing, memorizing, recording, imprinting, sampling, describing, and sensing (taste, touch, hear, see, and smell) my environment in different ways. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) calming down, relaxing, stretching, grounding myself, exercising, (B) inspiring myself, (C) learning, improving my skills, interacting with my environment, and amusing myself. 

I think that a controlled, painless suicide is my best option for subjective or objective meaning in the universe (possible multiverse) and want to find a way to find a way to complete it as quickly as possible. 

As I reflect on this action I make three healthy choices to (1) read my affirmations and make more (I am worthy of..., positive self-defining qualities, life-motivators, I can say no/yes to, I can appreciate..., etc.) (2) read a physical book or a non-luminescent ink e-book, probably snuggled up in a blanket somewhere cold and serene while sipping a hot sugary drink, and (3) listen to or read my Imaginal Desensitization Suicidality Compulsive Behavior Cycle again. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) improving by self-esteem/self-worth/self-confidence/self-respect, reminding myself of positive changes I can do, make, or be, (B) stimulating my mind, refocusing on new ideas, (C) utilizing relapse prevention techniques, reminding myself of adaptive coping responses, and affirming myself just to prove to myself that I can. 

I was not overpowered by my thoughts. I did it. I successfully fought the urge and I feel like I've been relieved from my agony. I'm at peace with the knowledge that I may have to use these coping skills again and hopeful because they've worked before. I used my coping skills effectively and this is proof that recovery is possible. I'm on the road to recovery and I'm pushing forward one step at a time. I'm still breathing, still kicking, and still living. I'll live for a while still. 

It's experiences like this, like taking a fresh gulp of air after being underwater for too long or finding your way out of the darkness and experiencing sunshine again that give me hope. I get inspired by it, this existential hope piercing through the dread. I know that thoughts are fluctuating and at some point, the idea will cross my mind again out of sheer statistical likelihood. I will challenge it head-on when those times come, and I will keep on challenging and keep on coping and keep on fighting because this is a life of grandeur, wonder, relaxation, inspiration, celebration, and awe. This life is worth fighting for, and now that I know how and know that I can, I can enjoy life again. This is living.

I am the reason that someone can believe that it's going to be a good day.

"Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time." - Bertrand Russell

Cancelling Softbank from Overseas

Softbank is notorious.

The Japanese cell phone company is surprisingly casual about the way they handle account cancellation for overseas users, like flippantly remarking to the elephant that it has to jump through 73 hoops of fire while somersaulting and land on a sponge before it eats tonight or gets to see its loved ones.

IF you don't have any family members left in Japan, no contacts who could verify your identity to the company, and you are currently residing hundreds of miles away from the charming little island chain Softbank claims to rule over, you will need to follow a few steps in order to cancel your contract. I had to find this out the hard way, here's hoping you aren't nearly as dumb and twice as patient as I am. I nearly learned Japanese in order to cancel a $75 recurring bill. For that price, I think I should have been given Japanese classes for free in the first place.

First things first, seeing as how I clearly speak English and nihongo hanasemasen,

You're going to want to dial the english extension for Softbank's user support:

81223804336899

That is +81 (Japan) 22-380-4380 extension 899. This will get you talking directly to a representative in Eigo. (Eigo is English, for those of you who didn't have to study Japanese in order to handle your cell phone company.)
For me, this resulted in discovering that I had no option left except faxing Softbank a cancellation request. They were not very clear the first few times I called asking about it as to the format, and it turns out in the end that there wasn't one to begin with. There's that. 

It turns out that all they want is a fax requesting cancellation of your account, and all they need is the following information:

Fax them this: 

The phone number you're trying to cancel, say, 08039364171

Your full name in english: I'm not giving you my full name in english, but it's the same name you signed the account contract with.
Your reason for cancellation, id est, cancellation from overseas. This is fine.
Also put in a contact number so that they can contact you in the case of any last minute fees or additional ninja assassins.

Send this fax to 81223804336.

Then call back the above number to ensure that your fax was received. That number is once again 81223804336899, and YOU WILL WANT TO ENSURE THAT YOUR FAX WAS RECEIVED.

If you, like myself, found yourself without any method of calling softbank to cancel your account, or faxing machines to cancel your account, there are resources online that will allow you to do this at a once-only or even recurring free state. 

If you have a google account, which with any android phone is given freely, you can log in to Hangouts and call overseas from any computer at minimal cost, first calls have credit already. If you do not have a fax machine, Hellofax online will fax, sign and ensure the delivery of faxes and other important documents for free with any free google account. 

It's all free. Cheapskate. (Hey, I understand, those softbank bills have already got you down and you want to save as much money as you can while gorging on taco rice. Well, you left Japan, so no more taco rice for you, but saving money is still a thing, just look at the American governme-...)

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=ticket+prices+to+go+to+Japan#

Arigato, yo ichi ni chio.

This Post Was Inevitable

Recently this image came across my newsfeed on facebook. 

This was my response.

Short answer: I disagree. 

BEGIN RANT.

Christopher Gardner: Don't ever let somebody tell you... You can't do something. Not even me. All right?

Christopher: All right.

Christopher Gardner: You got a dream... You gotta protect it. People can't do somethin' themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want somethin', go get it. Period.

I don't end up places. I go places. I wasn't meant to be. I will myself into being everyday, struggling through existential depression. The situations that I've been in have only emphasized one fact: that life does not give you permission to live. Life does not care whether you enjoy it, whether you hate it, whether you think that life is precious or easily thrown away. 

Life does not care if you live. Every good and grand meaning to life has to be scratched out of the bottom layer of dirt with a spoon, life is only ever well-lived if you eat the meat, fat, blood, brains, guts, suck the marrow out of the bones and then chew the bones until your teeth are gone and your gums are bleeding. 

That being said, life is definitely worth living. Life seeks to be lived. Sonder, eleutheromania, logomania, curiosity even, prove that life does not mean to drop you off in one spot at a perfect time and a perfect place with the perfect one and let you be. Perfection isn't possible. Perfection is not meant to be. Life isn't perfect, and never will be. 

Life changes you. Life evolves. Life finds a way. To insinuate that life is anything less than a constant battle uphill in the snow is almost insulting, and to suggest that life meant to give me all of the things that I earned on my own or with the aid of like-minded individuals is actually asking for a fight. This is my life. I own it. The fact that I give it freely to everyone around me is not a testament to any higher motive or power, divine spark, or fated occurrence. I choose every second of every day to continue my existence because I hold out hope that against all odds, I will be among those who take, steal, earn, replicate or learn how to produce immortality. A gift like life should not be given to those unwilling to work for it. A gift like immortality is not fated for those unworthy of it. Fate doesn't exist. I don't subscribe to the idea that "meant to be" applies to any part of speech we have, nouns in particular. 

Hopefully this ironic situation taught you something you had never dreamed you would learn. If it has not, get off facebook, go to wikipedia, khanacademy, lifehacker education, google scholar, and learn something that you want to know about life. 

I guarantee that knowledge will be more than you dreamed.

END RANT.

Josh Feuerstein's $100,000 Challenge to Atheists

TLDR: In the age of telecommunication electronics and information, it is surprising and downright alarming that people can be anything they want when they explore the internet yet the majority of them choose to be stupid.

BEGIN RANT.

"And I say fine, pray for anything you want. Pray for anything. But...what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago god made a divine plan. Gave it a lot of thought. Decided it was a good plan. Put it into practice. And for billion and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now you come along and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a divine plan. What's the use of being god if every run-down schmuck with a two dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up your plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have; suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? 'Well it's god's will. God's will be done.' Fine, but if it gods will and he's going to do whatever he wants to anyway; why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and get right to his will?" [George Carlin, from "You Are All Diseased".]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Efficacy_of_prayer
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Studies_on_intercessory_prayer

"I prayed to God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work like that so I stole a bike and asked God for forgiveness."
We are told that prayer does not work like that, to not test the Lord thy God, fine. However, if one cannot test, verify, observe and affirm a God's power, potency, efficacy, efficiency, physicality or presence in general, an absence of evidence could in this case be construed as evidence of absence. 

Before I get into whether or not God exists, however, I'd like to assert a logical point into the discussion. The burden of proof in any logical discussion lies with the contender, that is, the one presenting or affirming his case, the one asserting that which is new or in existence. It is not on the atheist to assert that God is not real, it is up to the Christian, Muslim, Jew, Zoroastrian, Hindu, or any of the ones that I missed (https://en.wikipedia.org/.../List_of_religions_and...) to prove that their God, god, Gods, gods, Goddess,... pantheon, or theological tradition is true, correct, verifiably existent, or real. I do not have the burden of proof to tell a person that they can't fly, it is up to that person to prove that they can. 

On that note, I take the burden of proof. I will prove that there is not enough evidence for the existence of God. First, the evidences for God would be something akin to the powers and properties ascribed to him. Omnipotence, Omnipresence, Omniscience and Omnibenevolence, answers prayer, sends plagues are verifiably attributed to the NKJ Old Testament God, verified as the New Testament God as well by Jesus Christ in the Gospels. This source is often the only one people accept as proof of God, which is problematic considering that it's full of contradictions. 
http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/contra/by_name.html 

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?
-Epicurus, attr.

“The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.” 
-Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion. 

Therefore we can assume that if the God of the Old Testament does exist, he either does not care about you, is so incompetent, malevolent or idiotic that we should not worship him/her/it, or, in this reporter's case, conclude that there exists too little evidence to support the claim of existence at all. Once God is demoted to a conscience, then he is not the Lord of Lords whom Southern Baptists worship on Sunday.
However, it is safe to say that God does not exist due to lack of evidence. No empirical, testable or verifiable evidence can be produced or reproduced that would satisfy a peer-review, or in Josh Feuerstein's case, a court of law.
Absence of Evidence does not mean evidence of absence except in the case where the evidence of presence is clear, well-understood and verifiable and the testing authority for presence is trustworthy, as unbiased as possible, and true. If you do not trust the Bible (other than the contradictions already pointed out) or my methods, (Other than my obvious bias, research this material on your own and develop your own opinion) please tell me why. 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evidence_of_absence
I assert that it is up to you now to question my authority and methods for gathering evidence. If you can counter all of my claims, then I will rethink my position on Atheism, not that it will do me much good now seeing as I've committed the Unforgivable Sin multiple times (Fuck the Holy Spirit.) Plus one. (Matthew 12:31-32)

Contact me if you have any argument against my methods. If not, Josh owes me 100,000 American dollars. 

I personally believe that there is absolute truth only in numbers and mathematics, everything else is, like these arguments, conjecture. 

Wikipedia Evolution. It does not work how you think it works. "Natural selection is the only known cause of adaptation, but not the only known cause of evolution. Other, nonadaptive causes of evolution include mutation and genetic drift." 
-https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evolution
Survival of the fittest is not the only means by which the new generation survive.

I am an Atheist, and I condemn the Holocaust and the killing of million and millions of people. I can do this because Hitler was clearly not the fittest, he died. 

Other reasons not to support Hitler include racial prejudice and profiling, the problems with eugenics, black swan human beings (Read The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable by Nassim Nicholas Taleb) societal ethics, bioethics, human diversity, culture and accomplishment, general human decency, humanism, universalism, egalitarianism, The Brights Movement, Anne Frank's Diary, and I could go on. I have to ask, though, is belief in your God the only reason that you don't commit genocide? Is it really that voice in your head telling you to listen to it that holds you back from political homicidal rampages?
If that is the case, Josh, please, stay Christian. 

END RANT.