Cancelling Softbank from Overseas

Softbank is notorious.

The Japanese cell phone company is surprisingly casual about the way they handle account cancellation for overseas users, like flippantly remarking to the elephant that it has to jump through 73 hoops of fire while somersaulting and land on a sponge before it eats tonight or gets to see its loved ones.

IF you don't have any family members left in Japan, no contacts who could verify your identity to the company, and you are currently residing hundreds of miles away from the charming little island chain Softbank claims to rule over, you will need to follow a few steps in order to cancel your contract. I had to find this out the hard way, here's hoping you aren't nearly as dumb and twice as patient as I am. I nearly learned Japanese in order to cancel a $75 recurring bill. For that price, I think I should have been given Japanese classes for free in the first place.

First things first, seeing as how I clearly speak English and nihongo hanasemasen,

You're going to want to dial the english extension for Softbank's user support:

81223804336899

That is +81 (Japan) 22-380-4380 extension 899. This will get you talking directly to a representative in Eigo. (Eigo is English, for those of you who didn't have to study Japanese in order to handle your cell phone company.)
For me, this resulted in discovering that I had no option left except faxing Softbank a cancellation request. They were not very clear the first few times I called asking about it as to the format, and it turns out in the end that there wasn't one to begin with. There's that. 

It turns out that all they want is a fax requesting cancellation of your account, and all they need is the following information:

Fax them this: 

The phone number you're trying to cancel, say, 08039364171

Your full name in english: I'm not giving you my full name in english, but it's the same name you signed the account contract with.
Your reason for cancellation, id est, cancellation from overseas. This is fine.
Also put in a contact number so that they can contact you in the case of any last minute fees or additional ninja assassins.

Send this fax to 81223804336.

Then call back the above number to ensure that your fax was received. That number is once again 81223804336899, and YOU WILL WANT TO ENSURE THAT YOUR FAX WAS RECEIVED.

If you, like myself, found yourself without any method of calling softbank to cancel your account, or faxing machines to cancel your account, there are resources online that will allow you to do this at a once-only or even recurring free state. 

If you have a google account, which with any android phone is given freely, you can log in to Hangouts and call overseas from any computer at minimal cost, first calls have credit already. If you do not have a fax machine, Hellofax online will fax, sign and ensure the delivery of faxes and other important documents for free with any free google account. 

It's all free. Cheapskate. (Hey, I understand, those softbank bills have already got you down and you want to save as much money as you can while gorging on taco rice. Well, you left Japan, so no more taco rice for you, but saving money is still a thing, just look at the American governme-...)

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=ticket+prices+to+go+to+Japan#

Arigato, yo ichi ni chio.