The following requires an introduction in order to have full impact. It is emotionally intense and should not be treated lightly. These are the thoughts of a mentally ill patient and have been shared with his consent in the hopes that they might help someone who deals with the same issues.
I am struggling to keep up at work, at academics, at physical training, or at being social and sacrificing healthy habits to do so. It's been another horrible day in a string of horrible days. I perceive the pain or loss of another person and feel empathetic and sad for the wasted potential. I finally figure out a problem I've been trying to solve and attempt to find the meaning to life while I have the intellectual momentum. I am fatigued and physically or emotionally spent and then force myself to keep going. I am planning for the future and think that I have too much to do. I perceive something that reminds me of nihilism or existential dread.
As I reflect on these events, I make three healthy choices to (1) bear hug my inner child and tell him I love him, (2) go for a walk, and (3) visit my friends. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) using positive self-talk, utilizing safe-scene imagery, healthily managing my dissociation, (B) being active, getting physical space between me and isolating behaviors, being distracted by outside occurrences, getting fresh air, feeling warm sunshine, (C) eliminating other compulsive behaviors, playing games with friends, laughing, socializing, and developing relationships.
I feel like an all-encompassing black fog of darkness and shadow has descended and is smothering, muffling, and subduing everyone and everything. I feel pessimistic, negative, depressed, exhausted, fatigued, overwhelmed, anhedonic, apathetic, drained, withdrawn, miserable, hopeless, numb, and tired. I feel shame and anger at myself. I feel gone, adrift in my own black oblivion with no way back to happiness and no communication with anything except my own dark thoughts.
As I reflect on these feelings, I make three healthy choices to (1) Stop, Slow Down, Think, Act, (2) smile, laugh, and (3) listen to a life-motivating playlist of songs. As I make these decisions, I benefit by (A) diverting ruminating thoughts, following a familiar routine, incorporating my rational mind and my emotional mind to make wise-mind decisions, utilizing problem-solving skills, (B) using a physical body position and movement to elicit an emotional reaction deliberately, move my body and mind I a positive direction, (C) distracting myself from myself, making positive experiences to reinforce good behaviors and listening to good music.
I thought that the reasons people choose to exist were illogical and wanted to find and be able to explain a reason or multiple reasons to exist in any situation. I disagreed with philosophy teachings up to the date when I wrote this. I thought that there was no objective meaning to be found in continuing to live in this universe. I thought that using a subjective meaning to live was intellectually dishonest. I thought that there was too much of a chance of stress, pain, suffering, sadness, depression, fatigue, and generally negatively-perceived events to warrant staying alive for death to inevitably hit anyway. I thought that the struggle to live and the maintenance or procedures of thriving were wasted gestures to an infinite void. I thought that staying alive to live until you die was insane. I thought that suicide would be an escape from any chance of pain since you could commit it as painlessly as possible. I thought that suicide was controllable whereas death was an unknown. I thought suicide would be a relief from the perceived responsibilities and stress of continuing existence.
As I reflect on thus suicidality obsession, I make three healthy choices to (1) ground myself using 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 3-3-3, ice, and other mindfulness techniques, (2) take a fresh air break w/ breathing exercises, and (3) sing, whistle, hum, beat, play or perform a life-affirming, life-motivating, life-rejoicing song. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) being physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually present, participating, and partaking in my lovely life, re-establishing a firm grasp on the here-and-now, staying alert to my situation, averting unhealthy dissociation, (B) calming down, escaping any unhealthy situations, (C) affirming life, calming my over-reactive mind and encouraging myself with music.
I began to think about the quickest, least painful way to die. I thought that since pain was a neurological reaction that if I could cease other brain function first, obliterate the pain center first, or completely crush my brain before the pain center reacted that I wouldn't feel pain. I thought about diving headfirst of a building or tall object onto a hard surface like pavement or cement. I thought of running into, then laying down in front of traffic at night in a completely black outfit. I thought of diving headfirst off of a highway bridge in front of an oncoming semi. I thought of crushing my head under a heavy object. I thought of shooting myself in either the temple, upper mouth cavity, or ear, with a large gauge shell or RPG. I thought of blowing my head up. I thought of stabbing or puncturing my brain. I thought of instant incineration or diving headfirst into lava. I thought of ripping out my airbags, accelerating to high speeds, and then swerving into an oncoming semi or solid barrier. I thought of more common and painful methods of suicide and researched bleeding out, suffocation, legal dosage, electrocution, drowning, hanging, and the height from which a dropped object hits water with the same force as hitting cement. I researched physician-assisted suicide and attempted to convince my psychiatrist at the time that the conditions and criteria used then (risk of procedure, quality of life after procedure, patient comprehension, and patient mental state) could be used to argue for the assisted suicides of every living thing and that I had the capacity to make my end-of-life decision.
As I reflect on this suicidality obsession, I make three healthy choices to (1) play body-eye coordination games like hackeysack, soccer, ping pong, juggling, etc., (2) play mental games like valley of the green glass doors, black magic, Shatnering. Haiku, riddles, and (3) meditate. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) exercising, focusing on a new task, playing, (B) stimulating my mind in positive ways, redirecting and postponing negative thought patterns until I can address them, (C) calming myself, breathing rhythmically and slowly, and providing myself safe mental imagery or emptying my mind.
I had at least 20 oz of bleach to ingest and thought about emptying a mountain dew bottle, sold where I lived in 20 oz versions, pouring the bleach in to ensure I had enough and then chugging the whole thing at once. I drove to the spot where the bridge was supposed to be. I climbed halfway up the water tower. I was on my way to the cliff when I was spotted by a police officer. I sat on the guardrail of the overpass and looked over the side. I had, at two different times, a loaded pistol and a loaded rifle in my hands. I drove recklessly. I bought a completely black body suit to wear while walking onto the freeway. I've had pens, pencils, utensils, and work tools readied to gouge through my eye into my brain. I wanted to die several times a day. I was tired of suicidal thoughts. I was tired of not committing suicide. I was too tired to get out of bed, to properly hygiene, to eat, to drink, or to care. I was tired of thinking these thoughts and not being able to explain them. I was tired of not feeling understood when I did explain them. I was tired of being hospitalized. I was tired of feeling like I couldn't trust my own brain. I was tired of therapy. I was too tired of being too tired. I was tired of waking up to the realization that I was still alive. I was tired of trying to find a reason to live, and I was tired of feeling like I should.
As I reflect on this suicidality obsession, I make three healthy choices to (1) do something body-positive like showers, baths, spa treatments, or stretching, (2) positive self-touch like self-massage, back scratches, pressure points, or curling up in a warm blanket, and (3) go to my safe scenes. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) reinforcing positive body-image, improving self-worth and self-esteem, relaxing sore muscles, (B) using the PRAISES model (Physical, recreational, intelligence, spirituality, emotional, and sexual) in my relationship to myself, relieving muscle tension, increasing flexibility, (C) using healthy dissociation to relieve myself of a negative situation and exercising control of my mind.
I will be tired of being depressed. I will think back over all of the reasoning that I've done and search for flaws in the logic. I won't find any; I will be too tired to think; I will have a confirmation bias; I will stop trying because I've tried so many times before and ended up disappointed. I will think that it's pointless. I will try to use my coping skills, but I will think that they're just distracting me from the obvious conclusion.
As I reflect on this suicidality obsession, I make three healthy choices to (1) read my challenges, (2) interact with my support system, and (3) postpone thinking about every worry that enters my head until after dinner when I can take out the list of summaries of those thoughts for fifteen minutes ONLY and problem solve my way through them. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) challenging the negative thought patterns within three seconds to diffuse its' impact on me, (B) getting social support, building relationships, utilizing the PRAISES model, building social skills, seeking professional help, getting crisis intervention, (worst case scenario) and (C) diffusing a negative impact on my life and reducing the amount of time spent on suicidality from hours a day to minutes or seconds.
I will try to figure out a different meaning to life, racking my brain for anything, but I will be too tired to think of one. I will give up on trying and begin to bargain with myself. I will tell myself to wait. I will tell myself to sleep it off. I will fight off the suicidal ideations all the way until I go to sleep that night.
As I reflect on this plan, I make three healthy choices to (1) practice good sleep hygiene by following an evening routine, sleeping at approximately the same time each night and waking up at approximately the same time each morning, getting out of bed if at first I can't get to sleep, taking a shower before bed, turning off electronics, reading something relaxing, listening to ambient sounds or relaxing music, (2) tensing and relaxing muscles progressively down my body, and (3) writing or journaling about my day. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) developing and reinforcing good sleep habits, helping myself to not be so tired anymore, performing proper hygiene, relaxing, calming down, (B) relieving muscle tension and fatigue, and (C) recording, explaining and providing an outlet for positive wise-mind (rational and emotional) ideas.
I will lie awake, thinking over everything again, maybe I will have missed something; maybe I will be able to try something new or incorporate another idea. I will think until I get tired of thinking. I will think until I get tired of trying and then get angry at myself for avoiding what seems like the unavoidable answer.
As I reflect on this plan, I make 3 healthy choices to (1) do yoga, especially sun and moon salutations, (2) experience nature in awe, wonder, and a sense of adventure, revelling in the beauty of stars, clouds, rivers, mountains, cliffs, herds, hills, flowers, beaches, lakes, canyons, and natural rock formations, while (3) I gather data by counting, drawing, memorizing, recording, imprinting, sampling, describing, and sensing (taste, touch, hear, see, and smell) my environment in different ways. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) calming down, relaxing, stretching, grounding myself, exercising, (B) inspiring myself, (C) learning, improving my skills, interacting with my environment, and amusing myself.
I think that a controlled, painless suicide is my best option for subjective or objective meaning in the universe (possible multiverse) and want to find a way to find a way to complete it as quickly as possible.
As I reflect on this action I make three healthy choices to (1) read my affirmations and make more (I am worthy of..., positive self-defining qualities, life-motivators, I can say no/yes to, I can appreciate..., etc.) (2) read a physical book or a non-luminescent ink e-book, probably snuggled up in a blanket somewhere cold and serene while sipping a hot sugary drink, and (3) listen to or read my Imaginal Desensitization Suicidality Compulsive Behavior Cycle again. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) improving by self-esteem/self-worth/self-confidence/self-respect, reminding myself of positive changes I can do, make, or be, (B) stimulating my mind, refocusing on new ideas, (C) utilizing relapse prevention techniques, reminding myself of adaptive coping responses, and affirming myself just to prove to myself that I can.
I was not overpowered by my thoughts. I did it. I successfully fought the urge and I feel like I've been relieved from my agony. I'm at peace with the knowledge that I may have to use these coping skills again and hopeful because they've worked before. I used my coping skills effectively and this is proof that recovery is possible. I'm on the road to recovery and I'm pushing forward one step at a time. I'm still breathing, still kicking, and still living. I'll live for a while still.
It's experiences like this, like taking a fresh gulp of air after being underwater for too long or finding your way out of the darkness and experiencing sunshine again that give me hope. I get inspired by it, this existential hope piercing through the dread. I know that thoughts are fluctuating and at some point, the idea will cross my mind again out of sheer statistical likelihood. I will challenge it head-on when those times come, and I will keep on challenging and keep on coping and keep on fighting because this is a life of grandeur, wonder, relaxation, inspiration, celebration, and awe. This life is worth fighting for, and now that I know how and know that I can, I can enjoy life again. This is living.
I am the reason that someone can believe that it's going to be a good day.
"Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time." - Bertrand Russell
