The following requires an introduction to have full impact. It is emotionally intense and should not be treated lightly. These are the thoughts of a mentally ill patient and have been shared under his consent in the hopes that they might help someone who deals with the same issues.
It's a long work week. I'm around people all day every day for five days out of seven. I'm skittish and avoidant as much as I can be to escape the pressure of social situations. I listen to drama, insults, stupidity, outright lies, overly emotional fits, disgusting ideas, interruptions, hypocrisy, and manipulation. I deal with idiots, people pleasers, loud and obnoxious assholes, pessimists, overt optimists, people that claim to be "realists," attention seekers, pedants, extroverts, and suck-ups. I feel like I care for everyone, especially the crying, unsure, uncertain, unwilling, unmotivated, under-appreciated, mistreated, misinformed, misunderstood, mistaken, willfully ignorant, whiny, chastised, down-trodden, and generally poor tempered people in addition to people that I just plain think are worse off than I am. I am being openly mocked, cruelly criticized, shown up, publically humbled, insulted, made fun of, outcast, ignored, shut-out, abandoned, shut down, overdrawn, disrupted, deliberately angered, silenced, glared at, disrespected, ridiculed, and not even given common courtesy. I plan, prepare, and attend gatherings, social events, get-togethers, parties, meetings, groups, and hangouts where I force myself to entertain, interact, help, and participate genuinely and positively with people I don't even know. I am waking up tired, willing myself through it, drinking too many energy drinks, and forcing myself to get through this day by day, meal by meal, hour by excruciating hour. I get compliments I don't feel I deserve, appreciation that isn't genuine, awards for something I couldn't have controlled, and congratulations for doing what I felt forced to do. I don't express these feelings and emotions because I don't think it's worth the ten to fifteen minutes of what will probably be unhelpful, untactful, inappropriate dialogue only to be reprimanded, told that everyone has to deal with it and to suck it up, possibly be punished, and then ultimately ignored. I'm afraid of being judged, ridiculed, shamed, or making a fool of myself again. My depression is setting in and the thought crosses my mind that none of this matters anyway because all of these people, all of my friends and family, everybody who is living and anybody who will ever live will inevitably, unavoidably and unequivocally die anyway.
As I reflect on these events, I make three healthy choices to (1) take a fresh air break, (2) visit with friends, and (3) mentally list my reasons to live. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) being outside, getting sunlight, taking a break from the situation, (B) socializing with positive people who help, love, and support me, reinforcing my friends' relationships, (C) affirming life, encouraging myself, calming myself, and distracting myself with a variety of positive ways I can interact with everything.
I feel crowded out and alone at the same time. I dread the judgement, shame, ridicule, belittling, and humiliation I'll likely face if I talk to people. I feel annoyed. angry. frustrated, anxious, panicked, frantic, bewildered, confused, abandoned, embarrassed, ahedonic, apathetic, shameful, guilty, afraid, disgusted, depressed, miserable, withdrawn, fatigued, drained, pressured, obligated, responsible, overdrawn, over-stimulated, overburdened, and overwhelmed over and over and over again in waves during and after the times when I feel I have to force myself to be around people. I feel fake, hypocritical, sarcastic, doubtful, empty, and just plain wrong when I force a smile, an enthusiastic greeting, an amiable conversation with appropriate gestures and sounds, and especially when I use all of the ambiguously vague sounds, gestures, words, phrases, and even a little truth when people finish communicating and expect a reply because I forced myself to pretend to listen. I feel horrible; I feel dread. I feel antsy, annoyed, panicked, impatient, and nervous when any communication lasts longer than I feel it should and especially during "small talk." I feel relieved, peaceful, refreshed, quieted, unburdened, calmed, drowsy, tired, exhausted, pleasant, content, reassured, safe, protected, guarded, secure, and happy when I'm finally alone.
As I reflect on these feelings, I make three healthy choices to (1) do breathing exercises, (2) mentally list my adaptive coping responses, and (3) play small-group hand-eye coordination games like hackeysack or ping-pong. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) calming myself, distracting myself, (B) giving myself a variety of optional positive actions, reinforcing those actions through repetition, (C) exercising, being social, being active, and enjoying the game.
The friends I had as a child would start drama a lot. I was often a scapegoat; I didn't want to wrestle, fight, or beat people up because I thought it was wrong and that I might seriously hurt someone. When they would start doing that stuff I'd just get up and leave. I didn't want to deal with it and I got angry when it was directed at me. I had been taught to just walk away when I got angry or when someone was doing something I felt was wrong. I walked away from my friends. I walked away from school bullies. I walked away from some of the church-goers. I avoided them all because I didn't want bad influences in my life. I would analyze people quietly, from a distance, before I interacted and talked with them, if I did at all. I did that to my family. I avoided mom when she was in a bad mood, dad when he was busy, my sister's if they were angry or sad, my brother when he was being obnoxious, and my grandpa when he was ranting. I wanted to avoid them so much that one day I just moved to the attic. My mom didn't know where I slept for 3 days, and after they knew, no one in my family could even get up there the way I could.
As I reflect on this fantasy, I make three healthy choices to (1) establish and reinforce proper boundaries, (2) mentally list my affirmations, and (3) ground myself. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) creating proper limits to fit my needs and wants with people that are close to me, renewing those limits when appropriate, (B) distracting myself, affirming myself, calming down, reinforcing my actions through repetition, (C) being fully present in the here and now, experiencing my environment, and distracting myself from negative thought patterns.
I got purposefully sick so bad that I was taken out of public school to be homeschooled. When this happened I could stay away from practically everybody. Months would go by when I would just get my assignments done, show my mom that I'd finished, and then go up to the attic with my laptop, water, and food. People could still come around, but I could avoid them if I wanted to. Mom started making me go to group functions and I would find a corner where the fewest people could bother me and stay there, quiet and patient, for the entire duration of the group. I would only come out if they were doing something that interested me more than whatever book I'd brought, do the activity while interacting with as few people as possible, and then I'd go back to my corner. I did this until it was time to leave.
As I reflect on this fantasy, I make three healthy choices to (1) bear hug my inner child and tell him I love him, (2) write something for somebody, and (3) visit local, natural, and beautiful scenery. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) positively managing my dissociation, taking care of my inner child, affirming myself, (B) writing something positive, meaningful and uplifting, redirecting my focus away from myself, giving to somebody else and hopefully improving their moment, (C) putting physical distance between me and my problems, experiencing nature, calming myself, and enjoying what life has to offer.
I dreaded awkward silences and conversation. I dreaded judgement and immoral behaviour. I dreaded making new friends and losing the few friends I had. I dreaded having to impress or entertain people and their compliments. I was sad because I felt that I wasn't enough and infuriated because I shouldn't have had to be. Everyone seemed like they judged me to be unworthy even as they had flaws of their own, so I only did things I was interested in and quit caring if other people knew, cared, or even existed. When I did have to interact with someone I was polite because that seemed to make the conversations go faster. I treated everyone like they were the computer in my room: carefully, efficiently, and quickly. They were tools to get information or entertainment and if they malfunctioned or acted up, I shut down to them, waited for them to cool off, and tried again. They were easier to think of as machines or as children because I could safely ignore their fits or mistakes and try to impart better skills or processes when they would respond again. I always needed a safe alone space to go to when this happened. I needed a place to hide, somewhere of my own, and I thought I needed it all the time. It was a place I could feel protected and isolated from the insults, yelling, arguments, and demands of other people. It was a place I could think for myself, in relative peace and quiet, and not have to worry about or acknowledge anyone else.
As I reflect on this fantasy, I make three healthy choices to (1) listen to awesome music, (2) play board games with friends, and (3) think and talk in funny accents. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) inspiring myself, motivating and energizing myself, grounding myself, (B) socializing with people who lift my spirits, having fun, (C) amusing myself, and actively thinking differently in ways that would make negative thoughts seem ridiculous.
I know what I'll do. I'll find a safe, quiet spot, somewhere the least amount of people will suspect I would be, somewhere they wouldn't normally expect I could be, somewhere that nobody usually even thinks about. I'll find several of these and secretly, methodically, discretely, and slowly move into them. I'll hide them as best I can, supply them as much and as well as I can, use each one as scarcely as I can, and never record their locations. I'll make a sleeping space, an entertainment area, and somewhere I can safely keep food and drink.
As I reflect on this plan, I make three healthy choices to (1) count my environment, (2) go out and meet new people, and (3) practice photography. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) distracting myself by focusing my attention away from my compulsive behaviors, grounding myself in the here and now, (B) socializing, getting out of my comfort zone by being healthily vulnerable, experiencing new ideas, things and ways of life, (C) making art, finding the beauty or profoundness in things, making memories, and helping others feel good about themselves.
It will be a place where I can at least hear the outside world if not observe it. I'll need to know when it's safe to come out so I can get supplies with as little interaction as possible. I will experience something or anything negative in my dealings with the outside world and I will hide. I will wait in a safe place until I feel safe to come out.
As I reflect on this plan, I make three healthy choices to (1) draw in a public place (2) taking breaks every now and again to self-massage, and (3) come up with more creative jokes. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) expressing myself artistically, being around people and in my own world at the same time, (B) calming down, relieving stress, (C) amusing myself and hopefully amusing others, and enjoying being amused.
I will calm my anger at the world; I will soothe my fears about the world, yet I will then wonder why I bother to go out at all. I will enjoy solitude, privacy, safety, and peace... until the loneliness sets in. I will ignore the loneliness, rationalize it, and argue against it to the point where it transgresses into depression. I will debate with myself about the merits of being alone. I will examine to the point of overanalyzing every bad behavior others have done or could do. I will ruminate on the mistakes I've made, the problems I've caused, and the pain I've inflicted. I will then isolate from others not for my safety, but for theirs, because I don't want to hassle, burden, disrupt, impose upon, or worst of all, depress them. I will engage in suicidality.
As I reflect on this plan, I make three healthy choices to (1) write a positive, persuasive speech on one of my many reasons to live, (2) tell myself to postpone the thought until later that day, write down a quick little summary of what the thought was, and problem solve my way through it when I'm happy and safe, which is usually right after my last meal before sleep, for fifteen minutes ONLY, after which I will save whatever thoughts I didn't cover for tomorrow's postponement time, and (3) make a gift for someone. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) going through my reasons to live in order to pick one for the speech, writing something positive, calming myself down, cheering myself up, giving myself more ammo against my compulsive behaviors by planning to read those speeches outloud to myself proactively before I feel depressed, (B) relaxing more by not worrying as much during the day, being organized, rationally viewing my thoughts at an appropriate time, relieving myself of the burden of rumination, (C) hopefully cheering someone else up in addition to myself, distracting myself from my own thoughts to consider other people, and building something with my own hands.
I avoid everyone I can feasibly avoid interacting with for as long as I can feasibly avoid them every time I have the opportunity to do so.
As I reflect on this action, I make three healthy choices to (1) go to my safe scene, (2) talk with my support system including, friends, family, co-workers, professional help, and emergency care, and (3) listen to my Reclusive Behaviour Cycle Imaginal Desensitization. As I make these decisions I benefit by (A) healthily managing my dissociation, calming myself down, (B) socializing, getting help from people that DO CARE about me, (C) practicing the psychological skills I've been taught to reinforce useful, positive behavior, focusing and grounding myself on a sound, and getting reminded of safe adaptive coping responses that I might have forgotten about. (Like photography, which, really, I need to get out and do more of.)
I'm doing it. I am using my psychological skills to control my reclusiveness. I can safely and happily be alone to get to know myself; I can safely and happily be around others to get to know them. I appreciate the opportunity to be friendly for the connectedness it helps me feel. I have the compassion to see relationships as togetherness. I'm glad to be able to be a part of community again. I realize that thoughts will still come through. I know that people won't be perfect. I feel like I'll definitely have to use these skills again, and again, and again, but that's ok because I know that this has worked before. Other people have helped before. I have had some of the best times of my life with other people beside me. I can continue to live even better times with friends, family, and people who can be friends or family because time makes the best of friends and friends make the best of times. Happiness, (sorry, Mark Twain,) is having a large, loving family and a few magnificent friends living all over the place, and near you, ... and with you.
"I think that's the closest you'll come to heaven on earth: the sudden
impossible
realization that someone you love, who loves you, is letting you in to love them." - Stephen Brasel
